I am angry at the world, and that makes me tired.
In the past, we have been through difficult situations. I remember when we got our first place together. Our yearlong contract turned into a trap, there was mould in the walls and under the floors which the landlord couldn’t care less about. I felt some nights like I’d suffocate in my sleep, it was affecting my health so badly.
This was about the same time I was being bullied incessantly by my insane manager at work. I felt depressed, certainly. Some nights I’d sit in the bathroom sobbing uncontrollably, I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop crying from exhaustion. Every shift made me sick with dread at the thought of seeing that maniac.
Then things changed. Our contract neared its end and we could talk about getting a better place. My manager accepted a job elsewhere and my new manager was wonderful. Suddenly things were okay again, they picked up.
I was happy.
Fast forward about three years. Gray was born and we felt ready to buy our first house. Despite a few hiccups getting in (the previous owner messing us about by delaying leaving when our previous lease was already up, that was not fun!) we were happy again. Then within the first few months the boiler packed in, the roof in the kitchen started leaking when it rained and Husband was made redundant.
Ugh. Here we go again! This time, though, I didn’t feel depressed, I just felt worried. I worried constantly about money, about any other hidden problems with the house, about what we would do for childcare when I went back to work.
I was concerned and lost sleep this time due to thoughts swirling around and around my head.
But then Husband found a new job. The roof was an easy fix, and a family member very generously helped us afford a new boiler. Despite having to tweak things a bit when I went back to work to sort out childcare, everything was back on track.
I was happy.
Fast forward to 2016. After an extremely difficult, painful, miserable and complicated pregnancy and a traumatic labour, Rhyd was born in January. Despite my misery over my painful body, I was able to take back control and lose the weight, regaining my strength and feeling healthier.
I expected that to be the first positive, not the only one.
As the year progressed, things… didn’t go well. Husband became more and more depressed stuck in a job that didn’t appreciate or respect him, so started looking for a new one. He found one which seemed almost too good to be true.
A positive, right?
Sometimes things that seem too good to be true are.
In August, we lost Husbands Grandmother, which inspired this post.
Shortly after, it became clear his new job was just as bad as the old one and resulted in Husband being out of work again. This was in part due to him needing a week of sick leave after a funny turn, which now has us worried about his long-term health.
This was also just after we had expensive, unexpected car repairs wipe out our savings.
I discovered my love of blogging, which made my return to work all the harder. Now not only do I miss my babies terribly, but I feel like I’m being denied the time I need to give my blog the attention it deserves.
I know things will pick up again, they always do. It is hard to see when you are at the bottom of the spiral, but there is always an upwards swing again.
This time, I don’t feel depressed or worried (Although, obviously, I do feel both) I mostly just feel angry.
Angry at the world.
I feel like; surely we’ve had our share of negative crap already, right? Why do we keep getting more? We have had bad things happen before. We have struggled through and come out stronger, but really, how much can one family take?
It makes me so angry; what I’ve never realised about being angry before is just how draining it is. I am exhausted.
I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, but right now I feel I cannot allow myself to get my hopes up. Right now, it just looks like an oncoming train, and I am so, so tired.
Sometimes, it’s okay not to be happy. Just as long as you remember it is only temporary.